So, those of you who know me well... know that my father-in-law passed away October 10th. I have had a difficult battle with this. I have never seen someone endure so much pain, seen someone literally deteriorate before my eyes, had someone so close to me leave this earth, I have never had to go to a funeral, seen a dead body, really do any mourning of any kind. This all just seemed so unreal to me, and to some extent, still does. Rod was such an amazing man who seemed to know everything about building well- just about anything and directional skills that I couldn't even begin to comprehend. I used to ask him how he knew every road in just about any town you asked him about... his answer to me was that when he was a young boy he would study the road maps. Again, what an amazing man. As if all of this was not enough to impress me, Rod was at Disneyland on opening day. Now, just incase you don't know me very well (you'd have to not know me at all to not know this though!) Disneyland is my all-time favorite place! Rod and his family went to the Anaheim area to visit their Uncle Myrle and were trying to find something fun to do. Their uncle told them that there was this new amusement park that had opened and maybe they should all go give it a try, so they did. Can you imagine?! There was no fee to get in, just a fee to buy a booklet of tickets lettered A-E or F, I think. The rides were categorized by value and assigned a letter. Once you ran out of a certain letter, you could no longer go on that category of rides (unless you bought more tickets). Rod was such a feisty man, his doctors told us that they had never met a man who was more strong willed. The Monday before he passed, he was, to put it lightly, going a crazy and becoming a threat to himself and others. We had seen him like this for several days off and on. The doctors came and eventually were able to sedate him and put in a morphine drip. They let the family know that they were giving him such high doses of morphine that he would not wake up again before he passed away. Rod's will kept him waking up daily and refusing to go to the bathroom in a diaper. He would wake up to go to the bathroom, grab the cup from your hand to feed himself, and even carry on lengthy conversations from time to time. There is no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father was granting us these moments so that we may use them to better cope with the trials ahead. The Thursday night before he passed, Kyle and his 3 brothers were able to give their dad a blessing of release. Rod was the Bishop of his ward and held that calling up until his death. The boys blessed him that he would feel peace and so that he knew that he had fulfilled his calling and purpose here on this earth and that everyone that he cared about would be fine. This was a difficult task for everyone involved. We deeply loved Rod, but hated to see him in this state and so miserable. We wanted him to know that it was alright to move on, that we would miss him, but that we would be happy that he would not have to be in pain anymore. Saturday, early in the morning, Rod was finally able to find peace enough to depart from this earth. Although it was a peaceful passing for him, it was not so for everyone else. I woke up to a house of screaming that he had stopped breathing. I was in bed in my garments and was quickly trying to get clothes on as fast as I could, while calming Hallie, and realizing that Toby was downstairs in the chaos. I grabbed my phone and while I was dressing (backwards and inside out, might I add) I called my grandma who luckily lives across the street. I raced the kids over and ran back to be by my husband. We found it ironic that Rod passed during the only 2 hours that nobody was awake, it was the way he would have wanted it, his family was all sleeping and being taken care of rather than fussing over him. We sat by him for the hours until the mortuary came to pick him up, just trying to wrap our minds around the reality of it.
My last memory with Rod, I say this because it is not my last memory with Rod, but my last memory with the real Rod that I have grown to know over the years... he came back for a glimmer of time to say goodbye to me on the Wednesday before he passed. I went into his room, where he was lying in his hospital bed, to say goodbye before we were traveling back to Indio to switch out our clothes for some clean ones. I leaned over to give him a hug and say goodbye. Rod looked up at me and wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me so tight. It took me by surprise because he had not had the ability to do something like that for quite a while. Then he looked me in the eyes and said, "You are such a trouper, thanks for everything." He was back, even if it was just for a moment. Rod was always worried about the next guy. Here he is confined to a hospital bed, in unimaginable pain, knowing that everyday may be his last... and he is worried about me! I repeat, Rod was such an amazing guy. I remember when I was going through my terribly nauseous pregnancy with Toby he would always ask me how I was doing, I felt embarrassed to even complain to the man who had been enduring chemotherapy for nearly 5 years and continued to endure it for another year. Back to the story, I thought how could I ever be considered a trouper?? All I ever did was complain about whatever I could find, play with the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair, and cook. Cooking is and has always been my outlet when I am depressed or stressed, and I was both. I I thought in my head after he said that to me "No, you are the trouper Rod!" but I never said it, and I sure wish I did. This is just one of many regrets... I had great plans to take Pam and Rod on one last trip with my kids, so that we could have that special time just us and them. We bought tickets for a cruise that would have ended the day before he passed, way to procrastinate Tabitha. I planned to make a book of our trip to England with Pam and Rod and all of Kyle's siblings so that Rod could see it and I could see his face as he reminisced. I made the book, but never got it printed in time. I have this memory of my Grandpa Gray interviewing my Great Grandpa Gray... I love to hear about people's life and the interesting thing is, most of the time the information that they have to tell you, nobody has ever heard before. I wanted to have Kyle interview his dad before he passed so that his stories would still live, but I procrastinated because I couldn't' use the camera we already had, I had to get a better one so the quality wouldn't be so poor. Well, now I have nothing, wouldn't something have been better than nothing. All things that I have come to realize a little too late. My mom has tried to put things into perspective for me that the hours and hours that we spent at his bedside were more important than completing any of my goals, and I see that, but it doesn't make me stop wishing for more time with the real Rod. I have dwelt of the fact that my kids will end up not remembering him and my unborn children have not yet met them. But, the other day, I came to the realization that he is meeting them and playing with them the way he used to be able to, right now. He has been an excellent father, father-in-law, and grandfather to us, and I have no doubt that he is being such a doting and playful grandpa right now up in heaven.
One morning, Rod woke up and asked Pam when he would stop hurting. The answer Rod, is now although I'm sure you've figured it out by now. We miss you, and love you dearly. Until we meet again.
